Ok, so as this is my blog, i'll use it as a whiteboard for what's going on, what little discoveries I may have had, and my thoughts right now etc
So Ciaran liberated me around July 2010. When I say liberated, it was a pinpoint sniper shot, right to the core delusion. No you. I saw it, boom.
In the words of a talking Russian meerkat; *chirpy noise* Simples.
What i've really been noticing lately, is how the internal structures are still in tact. We killed the lie, cool, no self, done. But then what's left?
Before this, i'd imagine enlightenment to be the end as such. Boom, done, welcome to Hollywood. Everything collapsed and i'd completed the game. You just passed go, here's your $200...
When we look at Eckhart Tolle's story, his awakening, it was such a dramatic event that it completely transformed his life. His internal structures seemed to have been destroyed in the vortex and all that was left was seeing. Everything burned up. Gone. A shotgun to the lie, if you will.
Now, let's contrast that to me. I saw, very quickly, the illusion of self. Wow, ok, there is actually no me, in real life. But it wasn't the same, it was a subtle shift, an anti-climax. Most importantly, the structures still remained. The core was gone, the truth revealed, but the thought processes still had a free wheeling momentum.
I dipped out of RT for a while. Wasn't really blissing, but it seemed SO obvious, that it was almost insignificant. Crazy, huh?
But i'm back. I think the reason I was motivated to come back, was because I was trying to find a job, a career. I read some success books, but I just couldn't work out what I wanted to do. Nothing is all that important. I constantly asked myself 'wealth questions' 'what would I do if I couldn't fail' etc and all I kept coming back to, was this. The Truth. It's all that matters.
I literally couldn't find anything that I would consider viable as a career. Any idea I had, got looked at, and seen through. Not interested, next..
Looking back, what i'd actually been doing, was burning. Burning through structures, looking at what was bullshit until I finally broke through and the cold hard truth was all that was left. THIS is the most important thing, the world is in a crazy place right now. The London riots, another example of delusion.
I just started reading 'Confessions of a Philosopher' by Bryan Magee. Read it.
I've been questioning everything internally, looking at everything. Burning. What's real? What's free wheeling bullshit? I've dived into the darkness. Just thrown myself into the old, repressed, dark emotions and thought structures i'd stuffed into Pandora's infamous box. It's awesome. It's dark, and painful, and low, but it's real. It's fucking really real.
I'm bringing light to this, being real. And although it's pain, it's honest pain. It's not 'oh don't worry, things will get better'. Maybe they fucking won't. Let's not kid ourselves here, stop lying. Stop papering over the cracks, spinning the plates. Let them fall, smash it open, just fucking dive into it. It hurts man, but it's real.
And it's the only way to live.