So I was invited out tonight, by girls. GIRLS. But i'm not going. I said no. Instead i'm going to start digging a little deeper. Doing what I posted about yesterday. Sacrificing.
It's only a small sacrifice, although there are 4-5 of them....NO. Focus.
I'm currently reading 'Confessions Of a Philosopher' by Bryan Magee. Getting my knowledge together of the big players in the philosophy game. I know a little, but I need to know a LOT more. So i'm going to be looking into Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle (in that order). Mainly so I can go to parties and brag about how much I know of the aforementioned.
Ok, so i'm going to use this blog to post up thoughts i've had on the human condition, suffering, motivations etc. Maybe some little discoveries. Just throw it up here, get it out my head and down to come back later to if necessary.
Today, on my lunch break, I was looking into what Ciaran mentioned on repressed passion and genius. Do I feel that? Is there a passion in me that burns, hidden under layer upon layer of bullshit?
Yes. Yes there is.
I've come to an early conclusion that from an early age we are just programmed to be gray. Not too happy, not too sad. Average. Normal. Not showing off too much, not putting yourself down to much. A 5 out of 10.
Obviously by and large, people never really question anything do they? The tick along, being gray. Being average. Acting normal. So although it's still not right to let them 'get away with' not looking, we can see that, for the most part, they don't. Because no one told them to. They run the programmes they were programmed to, until they die.
Very few are the exception. We must act normal, right? People MUST like us? So we become their prisoner. We do what's required to fit in and be accepted. If we're feeling particularly low, or dark, we smile, and go home to cry. Because doing that in public isn't acceptable. Unless you're a character in a soap.
Very few break the mold. They don't ever test things, or dig too deep. They find a mildly comfortable average, and live there. It's not TOO good but, more importantly, it's not TOO bad either. A safe 5.
And that's that until they die. Never rising too high, never falling too low. Feels safe, and known.
Social conformity plays a part. We just have to act in certain ways to be 'normal' right? It's ok for a child to do a cart wheel in the centre of town, cute even, but a fully grown man? HA! PSYCHO!
Why is that?
Where is that tipping point where we can't do what we want anymore, and have to conform to an accepted normality? When do we repress, hold whatever emotion we're feeling in, and put that thinly veiled smile back on our face? When is it NOT OK to kick and scream because you want an ice cream but you're mummy says no?
For the vast majority of us, the life we lead has been laid out for us already. We think we have a choice, but the choices we make are confined to a set list of possible options. Technically we can do and be anything we want, BUT the vast majority of us choose something we're vaguely interested in, or just grab whatever falls into our lap.
For me, if I wasn't so deeply caked in bullshit, identified with these dark, torturous thoughts then i'd probably be an average gray 5 too. So I needed that terrifying darkness to motivate me to do a little fucking looking. I fell too low for it to be comfortable anymore, and I didn't really have a choice.
And yet i'm still repressed. People asking me stupid fucking questions that DESERVE stupid fucking answers. But you can't do that can you? No. Because it doesn't conform to the social conformity dynamic. I must smile, and give some kind of rational answer to a retarded question.
Do I look fat in this?
Yes. Yes you do. You're diet is poor, you don't exercise enough, and you drink too much alcohol. You never go near fruit or veg, you never drink water, and you've never seen the inside of a gym. No. You spend WAY too much time reading bullshit gossip magazines and covering your hair in poisonous chemicals that make you look like a fucking skunk.
But no, you can't say that can you? Of course you can't. If you did, she'd be straight on the phone to all her friends, and they'd all hate you. Chauvinistic pig. What makes you so great?!
You have to say 'no, you look good. It suits you, sure all the guys will love you in that!' But that's a lie, and you just repressed a little more.
(btw, that isn't a personal example. Just made it up for example. Honest...)
I've started digging.