Thursday, 15 December 2011

Experience of the structure in action..

The task of a philosopher, is to essentially find his own answers to his own questions. It's easy to generalize and assume everyone is operating under the same paradigm, which i'm not saying IS the case, (i'm also not saying it isn't) but I can only reliably go on my experience. So I shall..

In my last post, I talked about how being liberated is to see that the self doesn't exist, but also how the remaining thought structure still remains and still feeds a self that isn't. Basically the same system runs, and i'd like to share an experience of how that has been true for me.

I was in Vegas last week. The centre on which Vegas turns is that it's the party capital of the world. That's what it does. That's it's thing. Obviously we did the club thing etc (what happens in Vegas...) but what i'd like to share with you today is how I felt when approaching girls.

Firstly, let's not judge me here. Yes, i'm liberated, and yes I talked about sacrifice, but look - if this whole male-female attraction thing didn't exist, neither would we. Boys like girls, and girls like boys. It happens. Get over it.


What I found was that when I wanted to go talk to a girl, a hot girl, i'd get nervous. Now, i'm not saying there's anything wrong in that, i'm not judging it, but it's that structure in operation isn't it?

If there is no me, no self, then what was nervous?

I was actually reading Ciaran's posts while over there. Perfect timing actually because he spoke of fear, and how people try to repress it. How it's all vanity. The trick is to be completely honest and actually realize you ARE nervous/afraid. And there's nothing wrong in that.

Now i'm home, and have time to reflect, it's bang on the money. The thoughts, the programming was still working. The vanity thing Ciaran talked about. I was being vain. I didn't want to get shot down, and that's where the nerves came from.

The fear of looking bad. Vanity.

It still operates. That's the evidence of it, in my experience. My thoughts were still geared to protect a self that doesn't exist. I didn't really look at it. I mean, if I had REALLY looked into it, i'd have seen that working. I'd have seen that my thoughts were protecting a self image that doesn't exist. That's it.

This is how it could of gone...(it didn't because i'm so suave, and sophisticated....But I digress)

Me: Hey....who are you?

Super Hot: Fuck off.


Then what? The sea flood? Plates shift? Nuclear war? The Universe explode?


Nothing would have happened. Would my ego have been bruised?

What ego?

So what's up with that?

Well, the structure was running, and I got caught in it. I didn't see the structure running, because what was I being vain to protect? What is there to protect?

HAHA!! The secret to approaching women. Here it is. Fearless.

Seriously though, can you see that too? How the vanity thing from pre-liberation was still there? How the structure still operated?

Even though there is seen to be nothing at the core, it still fed nothing. Tried to make nothing look good. More importantly, didn't want to make nothing look bad.

There it is. Direct experience of what I talked about yesterday.

"But where do you take that from here?" I hear you cry. Well, thoughts happen. This I know, I don't know where they come from, but, alas, they do. And this structure still exists, but for me the key is acknowledging it's existence. So it's like, yeah, thoughts are happening, and maybe they create emotions, but it's not who I am.

They exist, and I acknowledge they do, but it doesn't matter. Yeah, i'm nervous. Of? Protecting a self that doesn't exist. That's the autonomous process in action. And I caught it (in retrospect). Still take action.

Most people get caught up in it, and when they think these thoughts, it completely takes them over. Hence the whole NLP, hypnosis thing where they essentially re-program your thoughts to be happier, more confident etc. But that only works if the thoughts are identified with.

That's what I have for now, hope you enjoyed.


Wednesday, 14 December 2011

Structure of what's left..

The problem as I see it right now, is that to become liberated, all you need to do is see no self exists. That's the baseline. That's essential. Straight to the core. POW and the world is cured, right?

Wrong. That's not the end, it's only the beginning.

What we have are a lot of numbers. A list of liberated. Yet very few with any real clarity, and a tiny proportion of key players willing to stick around and help anyone else. It's like...

'Can you see it? No self?'

'Erm, no, I still believe in an I....'

'But is it true?'

' Wow.'

'BAM! Next...'

Whether they stick around is anyone's guess. Why don't they? If at the core, there is no self, and their is NO identification to thought whatsoever, shouldn't everyone feel some basic level of compassion or curiosity to help the next guy?

What's left once you've seen the truth of no self existing? Well dear reader, i'll answer that for you - the mental structure is still in place. The same structure that you had before, the structure that fed the ego, made it special, wanted to stand out, me, me, me, is still there. You shot the very heart of the lie, but the outer core still remains.

You still want to be right, and you still want to look good. Looking good and being right is often enough, and that's as far as you're willing to go. How far did you really push that idea, how far did you look into it, or research it, how well do you know what you're saying?

Did you go all the way, and get into the engine room of it, or skim the surface, find an outlook that cast you in the best possible light, and use that? 

You want the position that you are one that's correct, and makes you look the best.  That's not even an opinion is it, that's what's happening. I see so many Rumi quotes on Facebook, and when I question them, they just don't want to look. They want to bless me with some kind of infinite love. That's their position, that's the angle their hitting this from.

They hit it this way because when I question them, even for a second, they can revert to the whole '<3' process and somehow be above what I questioned. I'm young. I'm naive. I don't understand. I'm a cult leader. I've heard it all. It's the same process, doing whatever to cast the best possible angle on a self that doens't even exist.

Although they would NEVER admit that. Oh no. Partly because they don't see it, mainly because they never looked.

Let's take embarassment. How is that possible with no self existing? I mean, really, look at that. How does that work, what's to be embarrassed? There IS NO SELF to be embarrassed, so how comes people still are?

But it's still there isn't it? That thought process still exists for you doesn't it?

The process is still functioning, and although at the very core, you realise there is nothing to be fed, it still continues to work. We can't control thought, so in a sense, that an autonomous process. What we can do, is look at these thoughts as they arise.

Really, that's all we can do. We can catch them, and see how they work. We can climb into them and see how that process is working. Working for a self that doesn't exist.

See if you can catch yourself taking a position, a side, and see if you can catch your motivation behind it. Is it still that self serving autonomous process working, still feeding that ego that doesn't even exist.

Get back to me on this one, i'm interested to see how this works out.

Sunday, 11 December 2011

I'm back..

So i'm back after a week in Vegas. Yes I know I talked about sacrifice, but this was booked ages ago, and I couldn't let my friends down. Plus Vegas is like, REALLY fun. But anyway...

Pretty crazy thing happened while I was over there, I thought I was having a heart attack. Seriously. At 23. And no, I don't do drugs, ever.

I was lying in bed, my chest started aching, felt compression on my chest, then I had a wave of nausea, then my breathing tightened. I went into my friends, and informed them of my condition. My vision started to go blurry and I thought I was going to pass out. They said I went really pale and was sweating.

It kinda sucked to be honest. Called a doctor, went to hospital. Tests came back fine. They don't know what it was. Reassuring...

What was strange was that I didn't actually have a fear of dying. My overwhelming sensation was the way i'd leave things with people if I did die there and then. (Yes it sounds dramatic now, but for a while I thought it was a heart attack, so forgive me...FYI - first symptoms aren't always painful, it can start with an aching and progress..)

I won't go into detail, but I thought about the people I needed to speak to, and how I always think i'm going to live forever. (intellectually of course I don't, but i'm always putting things off) A kind of 'i'll do it later' mentality. But that clawing sensation of 'it's going to end now' was a real eye opener for me.

Get stuff done NOW.

And although you'll probably read this, and add it to the list of 'things i'll do when I have time', for me, it was a direct experience of 'I NEED to do things now, because I could die, like NOW.'

I mean, if you were on the very edge, where you had that wake up call, it could end RIGHT NOW, what would you do? Would you keep skirting around the edges, or would you dive right in?

Really think about this, because we live our lives so safely. So grey. So average. We never push the boundaries. We're content with a 5 out of 10, as long as it's safe, and known.

But wake up, really. Because you're going to die, and you're still carrying that grudge, or not telling that one person you love them. So do it.

Do it now.

I see a lot of people in the forum, and they're playing it safe. Not pushing it, they skirt round the edge, essentially they're scared. What if. I don't know this, shall I do it? It's uncomfortable, i'll come back later. I'll read some more, intellectualise it some more. Hell, i'll just ignore it for a while.

Stop it. Man up, do it now. Whatever it is you need to, and YOU know what it is you need to do.

So do it.