Monday, 6 August 2012

So Selfish

So I got caught up again. Fuck. I mean, fuck. Thoughts are incredibly powerful and seductive. They'll sneak in the back exit and claw you back in. Working to build up and puff out the chest of a self that doesn't exist.

And it doesn't exist.

It's been a long time since I wrote that.

I've been caught up in life, chasing shiny things, things I don't really need but again, work in service of the lie. The thought structure remains, feeding thoughts of superiority and glory. They feed the lie. 

Thoughts feed the ego structure, you always win in your mind. You always come up with the perfect line, at the perfect time, to look super fucking cool.

I've listened to Ciaran's mp3 of a chat with Nick Restrapo from back in the day, and the truth of his words hit me again, as to why people just fuck off after liberation.

The thing is, if a person has been selfish their whole life, living a life fuelled primarily by vanity that services a self that we know now doesn't exist, and you knock out the self, then why bother doing anything?

You neutralize that person, because the thought structure is all me, me, me. Then when there is no 'me', what is there to service? Why bother helping anyone wake the fuck up, because that person gets no benefit from it, right?

And that's when it kind of dawned on me, that maybe I am selfish. I mean, really fucking selfish. Yeah ok, I stuck around during Ruthless Truth and popped a few people, but who was I really doing it for? What were my motives? And why the fuck did I disappear? Why did I go to Las fucking Vegas?

Selfishness. Plain and simple.

So i've realised this now. My ego structure is incredibly selfish.

It wasn't always this way. I used to be caring as a child (Freud up in this beyach) then life kinda beat me down, people fucked me over, and I turned in on myself and vowed to walk this path alone. I didn't really rationalize this to myself at the time, but in retrospect that's how it was.

I thought, ok, i'll figure things out on my own, and let everyone get on with their own lives. So when I found this, I almost didn't want to share.

I had to find it, and actually look, and boom, enlightenment. But, everyone walks their own path, so let them find it themselves, thought I.


I'm not sure if everyone had this turning point that made them bitter, or it's just my own story. It's an interesting point, and I think i'm waking up to the fact that I need to help other people. I mean, that's a fucking retarded thing to say right? I should have known that anyway, which I kinda did, but this time i've realized it to be true.

I need to clean my shit the fuck up. This movement is incredibly weak right now, there's very little potency to it.

The thing with Ciaran is that he is incredibly passionate, and I think that's this movement needs. There's a whole heap of shit all over my passion right now, and i'm not going to layer any Anthony Robbins over it, i'm going to clean the shit off and see what's lurking there in reality and see if we can't light a fire on this motherfuckin' rock.

Watch this space.


  1. Fuck, man. You could have been describing me. I am like this. Sure I'll pass the salt and help whoever asks for my help if it doesn't cost me much, but I almost never actively go out of my way to put someone else's interest before mine. And the thing is, I don't even see this as a problem, because in my perspective everybody else is doing the same thing, just looking out for me and mine and doing a half-assed job at pretending to care about the larger aspects of life. That's probably why Ciaran had such an impact on me. He was just... different. Other-worldly. A being who would make that much personal sacrifice to help other people when he didn't need to just didn't compute in my world.

    I look at myself and I wonder why I am not like that? Why? Have I not dreamt of saving the world and freeing mankind from suffering? Of course I have. But I guess somewhere along the way I have lost hope that it actually could be done. I have become cynical about people, about love, and about myself. I now see that the real culprit is really fear and ego. I don't want to help people when doing so means having to humiliate myself and expose my deep-rooted insecurities, so I tell myself I'm going to get my shit sorted out first AND THEN I'll try and help the others.

    Anyway, enough ranting. Mind sharing that Ciaran's mp3? Seems pretty interesting.